Why I Want It

Other gloriously useless things you definitely need:

Lion Mane Cat Hat

Fluffy orange cat wearing a lion mane hat, lounging comfortably on a neutral sofa.

This faux-fur Lion Mane Cat Hat transforms your judgmental house cat into the majestic, slightly terrifying king of the jungle. It’s the ultimate way to acknowledge their rightful status as ruler of the home, even if they’re clearly plotting your demise from their new, fluffy throne.

$6ishWANT IT

DJ Deck Cat Scratcher

Striped cat in sunglasses next to a black cardboard DJ deck designed for scratching

Give your cat the career they were clearly born to pursue. This cardboard DJ deck features a moving turntable and tone arm, providing a dedicated scratching surface that lets your feline friend drop the hottest beats while keeping your sofa safe from their destructive artistic vision.

$35ishWANT IT

Floating Cat Track

Ginger cat standing on a floating wall-mounted sisal pole climbing track structure.

Your cat deserves a vertical kingdom, and your sofa deserves a break from being shredded. The Cat Mod Climb Track is a floating, wall-mounted jungle gym with sisal poles and hammocks, giving your feline overlord the high-altitude territory they crave without sacrificing your floor space.

$289ishWANT IT

Crap Taxidermy Book

Hardcover Crap Taxidermy book with a humorous illustration of a fox standing on a wooden stand.

Your coffee table deserves the chaotic energy of Crap Taxidermy, a book dedicated to the glorious failures of preservation. From "Dieting Foxes" to "Tabby Gymnastics," these cursed images prove that sometimes, the only thing better than a preserved animal is a really messed-up one.

$9ishWANT IT

Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress Book

Hardcover blue book featuring a person in a white wedding dress on a rustic wooden surface.

101 Uses for My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress is the petty masterpiece your bookshelf is missing. This hilarious guide turns matrimonial wreckage into practical household items, making it the perfect gift for anyone who wants to handle a messy breakup with maximum creative spite.

Middle Class Problems Book

Humorous book cover titled Middle Class Problems showing a man in a yellow shirt holding his head.

Finally, a book that validates your existential dread about owning a lawnmower and a slightly too expensive toaster. Middle Class Problems by Benjamin Lee turns the soul-crushing absurdity of modern life into a hilarious comedy, making it the perfect gift for anyone currently drowning in suburban mediocrity.

$142ishWANT IT

The Worst Alphabet Book

Hardcover children's book cover featuring a pink pterodactyl and the title P Is for Pterodactyl.

P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever is exactly what it claims to be. Featuring Czards and Tsunami, this raucous trip through the alphabet’s weirdest corners is the perfect way to ruin your child’s education with high-quality, oddly specific nonsense that only an unhinged parent would love.

$7ishWANT IT

Spare Time Money Book

Bright orange book cover showing a shadowy figure and the title "How to Make Money in Your Spare Time.

When your friend complains about their 9-to-5 again, hand them "How to Make Money in Your Spare Time." This satirical guide offers hilarious, useless side hustle ideas for anyone who wants to turn their leisure time into a fortune without actually trying.

$9ishWANT IT

Garden Hose Pet Fountain

Angular silver pet fountain resting on stone, connected to a bright yellow garden hose.

Give your pet the luxury of a never-ending backyard oasis with the Aqua Buddy. This hose-connected fountain provides a constant stream of fresh water, ensuring your dog never has to settle for a lukewarm puddle while you’re busy being a superior human.

$23ishWANT IT

Fifty Shades of Chicken

Hardcover cookbook cover showing a perfectly roasted golden chicken on a white plate.

Spice up your kitchen with the delicious, feathered deviance of Fifty Shades of Chicken. This parody cookbook swaps spicy romance for "Mustard-Spanked Chicken" and "Dripping Thighs," making it the perfect gag gift for anyone who wants their poultry prep to be slightly more scandalous.

$10ishWANT IT

Alphabet of Terrible Advice

Alphabet of Terrible Advice

Finally, a way to ruin your life with actual style and literary flair. K is for Knifeball provides 80 pages of hilarious limericks and parody advice that are perfectly useless for anyone trying to be a functional human being, making it the ultimate chaotic gift.

$6ishWANT IT

How Not to Kill Your Baby

Humorous parenting guide book titled How Not to Kill Your Baby featuring a teddy bear and a wild bear.

There is a book dedicated to ensuring you don't accidentally kill your baby. How Not to Kill Your Baby is the ultimate survival guide for new parents who need a laugh while navigating the terrifying, sleep-deprived chaos of raising a tiny human without causing a catastrophe.