Why I Want It

Other gloriously useless things you definitely need:

One-Handed Dog Water Bottle

Bright blue dog water bottle with a black feeding bowl and adjustable strap for hiking.

When you're hiking, stop making your dog drink from a public bowl filled with mystery pathogens. The AutoDogMug lets you squeeze out a drink with one hand and drain the excess back into the bottle, making you the most prepared—and slightly obsessed—hydration butler for your furry best friend.

$20ishWANT IT

Garden Hose Pet Fountain

Angular silver pet fountain resting on stone, connected to a bright yellow garden hose.

Give your pet the luxury of a never-ending backyard oasis with the Aqua Buddy. This hose-connected fountain provides a constant stream of fresh water, ensuring your dog never has to settle for a lukewarm puddle while you’re busy being a superior human.

$23ishWANT IT

Fake Dasani Water Bottle

Clear water bottle beside a blue fake Dasani bottle filled with cash and a key on sand.

The Fake Dasani Water Bottle is the ultimate "hidden in plain sight" flex for your valuables. It features a massive middle compartment for stashing cash and keys, complete with a leak-proof lid to keep your secrets dry while you look suspiciously hydrated.

$18ishWANT IT

Dihydrogen Monoxide Bottle

Opaque white flask with black scientific warning labels and a black cap resting on a countertop

The Dihydrogen Monoxide Containment Bottle is for when you want your hydration to sound like a high-level laboratory breach. This leak-proof stainless steel flask lets you carry your "chemicals" with scientific authority, ensuring you’re the most intimidatingly hydrated person at the gym.

$27ishWANT IT

Color-Coded Dog Harness

Dark dog sitting on green grass wearing a bright green harness labeled Friendly.

Finally, a way to prove your dog isn't a secret assassin to every terrified stranger in the park. This Friendly Green Dog Harness uses color-coded embroidery to broadcast your pup's "good vibes," preventing awkward confrontations and ensuring your furry friend remains the neighborhood's most socially acceptable resident.

$24ishWANT IT

Dapper Dog Neckties

Assortment of colorful patterned dog neckties, including stripes and polka dots, on a wooden surface.

Your dog is officially more dressed for success than you are with this 10-pack of dapper neckties. These adjustable bow ties turn every walk into a high-stakes corporate board meeting, ensuring your pup is the best-dressed employee in the entire neighborhood.

$13ishWANT IT

Kangaroo Pocket Dog Hoodie

Dark dog wearing a vibrant red hoodie featuring a kangaroo pocket, sitting on a rug.

Give your dog peak main character energy with this tomato red hoodie featuring a functional kangaroo pocket. It is the ultimate way to achieve that tiny human aesthetic, ensuring your pup looks like a stylish, slightly confused person who is prepared for absolutely nothing but maximum cozy vibes.

Ewok Dog Costume

Fluffy white dog wearing a brown Ewok hooded costume with pointed ears and forest details.

Nothing says "I’ve lost my mind" like a Chihuahua in a full Ewok hood with floppy ears. This officially licensed costume transforms your tiny pup into a fierce forest warrior, perfectly blending "adorable" with "ready to fight off space pirates" at the next house party.

$46ishWANT IT

Indestructible Herding Ball

Large red plastic dog ball with white and yellow lettering, labeled "Virtually Indestructible.

Finally, a ball your dog isn't allowed to chew, catch, or fetch. The Doggie Dooley Virtually Indestructible Dog Ball is a 10-inch hard plastic boulder designed strictly for herding and push-play. It’s the perfect way to channel your dog’s inner bulldozer without destroying your actual furniture.

$29ishWANT IT

Luchador Bottle Opener

Red luchador wrestler bottle opener being used on a bright green glass bottle.

A tiny wrestler is currently holding your beer hostage in a brutal lock hold. This Luchador Bottle Opener turns every drink into a high-stakes championship match, using stainless steel and rubberized coating to ensure your beverage is liberated with maximum drama and zero dignity.

$9ishWANT IT

Cap Launching Bottle Opener

Orange plastic cap launcher device attached to a brown glass bottle held in a hand.

Turn every drink into a low-stakes artillery strike with the Cap Zappa bottle opener. This orange plastic gadget doesn't just pop your cap; it launches it up to 16 feet away, making you the most mischievous person at the party and your friends' favorite target.

$11ishWANT IT

Stackable Supplement Jars

Clear, stackable supplement jars with black lids arranged in a vertical tower.

Finally, a way to stack your supplements like a tiny, edible skyscraper. These BlenderBottle GoStak jars twist and lock together into a portable tower of gains that fits right inside your shaker bottle, making you look like the most organized person at the gym.

$14ishWANT IT