Why I Want It

Other gloriously useless things you definitely need:

Stormproof Matches

Orange matches fanned out beside two dark green cylindrical stormproof match holders.

Finally, a match that’s more resilient than your last three relationships. These stormproof matches are windproof, waterproof, and will literally relight after being submerged in water, making them the ultimate prepared-for-everything flex for your next camping trip or emergency kit.

$12ishWANT IT

Color Changing Fire Packets

Color changing fire packets tossed into a campfire creating vibrant blue and green flames

Turn your backyard bonfire into a full-blown psychedelic ritual with these Mystical Fire packets. Just toss them into a wood fire to summon vibrant green, blue, and purple flames that will make your neighbors think you’re starting a cult. It’s the weirdly necessary upgrade your next camping trip deserves.

$9ishWANT IT

Paracord Survival Grenade

Tactical grenade-shaped survival tool wrapped in black and gray paracord cord.

This Paracord Survival Grenade looks like it belongs in a high-stakes action movie, but it actually packs 48 life-saving tools instead of explosives. It’s the perfect way to look like a tactical badass while still having a fire starter and fishing hooks ready for your next adventure.

$74ishWANT IT

Credit Card Survival Kit

Flat, dark gray credit card survival kit engraved with various tactical tools and hooks.

Finally, a way to look like a tactical genius while carrying a literal survival kit in your wallet. These READYMAN Survival Cards pack fishhooks, saw blades, and arrows into a stainless steel credit card, ensuring you're prepared for the apocalypse—or just a very intense camping trip.

$17ishWANT IT

Multi-Tool Lighter Sleeve

Stainless steel lighter sleeve multi-tool with attached knife and folding scissors.

Become the most over-prepared person at the campsite by turning your basic lighter into a pocket-sized survival kit. This stainless steel sleeve packs a knife, scissors, and screwdrivers into one nearly indestructible shell. It’s the ultimate "just in case" flex for when you need to fix a chair or open a beer.

$19ishWANT IT

72-Hour Survival Backpack

Red 72-hour survival backpack kit with emergency food, ponchos, and medical supplies.

Nothing says "I’m prepared for the inevitable collapse of civilization" like a backpack full of 2,400-calorie food bars and emergency ponchos. This 72-Hour Survival Backpack keeps two people fed and functional for three days with first aid supplies, water, and light sticks for when the grid finally goes dark.

$39ishWANT IT

Woods Survival Guide

Dark green hardcover book titled How to Stay Alive in the Woods, featuring a small flame icon.

If you’re planning on getting lost in the woods, this Woods Survival Guide ensures you actually make it back to civilization in one piece. It covers everything from building shelter to finding food, because "vibes" aren't a valid strategy for self-preservation when the local wildlife starts looking hungry.

$12ishWANT IT

Waterproof Pool Table

White outdoor pool table with waterproof felt resting on a tiled patio in a garden setting.

There is a pool table designed to survive a literal rainstorm. The Hathaway Alpine features waterproof, UV-resistant felt and a powder-coated aluminum frame, ensuring your break shots remain flawless even when the clouds open up—it’s the ultimate "why does this exist" backyard flex.

$2249ishWANT IT

Multi-Tool Survival Shovel

Black and gray folding multi-tool shovel with serrated blade resting on a light wooden table.

You’re officially prepared for the apocalypse, or at least a very intense picnic, with this 12-in-1 Survivor Multi-Tool Shovel. It’s a shovel, axe, saw, and fishing kit all in one, because why just dig a hole when you can also catch a trout and open a beer?

$19ishWANT IT

Fire Missiles Button

Close-up of a red circular button labeled Fire Missiles, designed as a car lighter device.

The Fire Missiles Button is the ultimate outlet for your repressed road rage. While it won't actually launch projectiles at the slowpoke in front of you, it functions as a standard cigarette lighter, allowing you to feel like a cinematic villain while remaining technically law-abiding.

$9ishWANT IT

Tactical Survival Shovel

Black entrenching shovel with a stylized, aggressive blade design and sturdy handle.

Finally, a shovel that doubles as a defensive weapon for when your camping trip takes a turn for the dramatic. The M48 Kommando Tactical Shovel features sharpened serrated edges and a fiberglass-reinforced handle, making it perfect for digging trenches or defending your snacks with maximum tactical intensity.

$59ishWANT IT

Tactical Breaching Tomahawk

Heavy duty tactical tomahawk featuring a dark beveled axe head and ergonomic tan handle.

Finally, a tool designed specifically for when you need to turn a door into splinters with maximum dramatic flair. The Gerber Downrange Tactical Tomahawk packs a beveled axe head, hammer, and steel pry bar into one overbuilt masterpiece, making you look dangerously prepared for any tactical situation or backyard apocalypse.

$212ishWANT IT