Why I Want It

Other gloriously useless things you definitely need:

Multi-Tool Survival Shovel

Black and gray folding multi-tool shovel with serrated blade resting on a light wooden table.

You’re officially prepared for the apocalypse, or at least a very intense picnic, with this 12-in-1 Survivor Multi-Tool Shovel. It’s a shovel, axe, saw, and fishing kit all in one, because why just dig a hole when you can also catch a trout and open a beer?

$19ishWANT IT

Credit Card Survival Kit

Flat, dark gray credit card survival kit engraved with various tactical tools and hooks.

Finally, a way to look like a tactical genius while carrying a literal survival kit in your wallet. These READYMAN Survival Cards pack fishhooks, saw blades, and arrows into a stainless steel credit card, ensuring you're prepared for the apocalypse—or just a very intense camping trip.

$17ishWANT IT

Multi-Tool Survival Axe

Black multi-tool survival axe featuring a gray handle and measurement markings etched onto the blade.

Be the only person in the wilderness capable of chopping wood, launching arrows, and checking the time with a single hand. The Tops Knives Atax Hand Axe is an absurdly over-engineered survival masterpiece for those who find "just an axe" to be tragically insufficient.

$191ishWANT IT

Paracord Survival Grenade

Tactical grenade-shaped survival tool wrapped in black and gray paracord cord.

This Paracord Survival Grenade looks like it belongs in a high-stakes action movie, but it actually packs 48 life-saving tools instead of explosives. It’s the perfect way to look like a tactical badass while still having a fire starter and fishing hooks ready for your next adventure.

$74ishWANT IT

Tactical Breaching Tomahawk

Heavy duty tactical tomahawk featuring a dark beveled axe head and ergonomic tan handle.

Finally, a tool designed specifically for when you need to turn a door into splinters with maximum dramatic flair. The Gerber Downrange Tactical Tomahawk packs a beveled axe head, hammer, and steel pry bar into one overbuilt masterpiece, making you look dangerously prepared for any tactical situation or backyard apocalypse.

$212ishWANT IT

Tactical Survival Shovel

Black entrenching shovel with a stylized, aggressive blade design and sturdy handle.

Finally, a shovel that doubles as a defensive weapon for when your camping trip takes a turn for the dramatic. The M48 Kommando Tactical Shovel features sharpened serrated edges and a fiberglass-reinforced handle, making it perfect for digging trenches or defending your snacks with maximum tactical intensity.

$59ishWANT IT

Stormproof Matches

Orange matches fanned out beside two dark green cylindrical stormproof match holders.

Finally, a match that’s more resilient than your last three relationships. These stormproof matches are windproof, waterproof, and will literally relight after being submerged in water, making them the ultimate prepared-for-everything flex for your next camping trip or emergency kit.

$12ishWANT IT

Tactical Glass Breaker Pen

Tactical Glass Breaker Pen

Why settle for a flimsy stick when you can carry a pen that doubles as a high-speed escape tool? This aircraft aluminum tactical pen features a carbide tip glass breaker, ensuring you can write your grocery list and shatter a window with effortless, overbuilt style.

$16ishWANT IT

Waterproof Fire Cubes

Cardboard box of Wetfire waterproof fire starter cubes, showing a lit flame graphic.

Imagine looking like a rugged survivalist god while everyone else is shivering in a downpour. These WetFire Tinder cubes are tiny, waterproof blocks that light in rain or wind, burning for five minutes each so you can finally start a fire and claim your throne as the woods' ultimate campfire king.

$12ishWANT IT

72-Hour Survival Backpack

Red 72-hour survival backpack kit with emergency food, ponchos, and medical supplies.

Nothing says "I’m prepared for the inevitable collapse of civilization" like a backpack full of 2,400-calorie food bars and emergency ponchos. This 72-Hour Survival Backpack keeps two people fed and functional for three days with first aid supplies, water, and light sticks for when the grid finally goes dark.

$39ishWANT IT

Fire Missiles Button

Close-up of a red circular button labeled Fire Missiles, designed as a car lighter device.

The Fire Missiles Button is the ultimate outlet for your repressed road rage. While it won't actually launch projectiles at the slowpoke in front of you, it functions as a standard cigarette lighter, allowing you to feel like a cinematic villain while remaining technically law-abiding.

$9ishWANT IT

Kettle Grill Pizza Oven

Glossy black kettle pizza oven with a domed lid resting on a metal stand.

The KettlePizza Basic 22.5 is the oddly specific upgrade that turns your backyard kettle grill into a high-performance pizza oven. This stainless steel kit keeps the heat stable so you can finally stop making mediocre snacks and start serving up artisan pies like a backyard culinary legend.

$144ishWANT IT